If you Don’t Love Me, I Will Die
Chapter 62 Table of contents

I had a dream.
Perhaps it wasn’t a dream after all, but it felt like one.

I was on a hill.

There stood a huge chestnut tree, its branches stretching straight up to the sky,
Surrounding it were fences.

Stars, like grains of salt, twinkled in the sky above.
The chilly air of an autumn night brushed against my cheeks.

I was a 10-year-old boy.

Was it Edward?

I reached out my hand and looked down.
It was quite a large hand for a 10-year-old.

I used to be rather petite when I was young.

This sturdy, large physique couldn’t have been mine; undoubtedly, it belonged to Edward.

10-year-old Edward.
A version of him I didn’t know.

There’s no story about this time in the novel.

I knew Edward when he was twenty.
The same age he died.

Then what is this dream showing?
Is it something created by Edward’s consciousness sleeping beneath the surface as I inhabit his body?

If not, is this a memory hiding the deepest recesses of his consciousness?

Whatever it was, it didn’t matter.
As I turned my head slowly and looked beside me, a girl stood there, familiar yet somewhat alien.

“Ania….”

A girl who couldn’t have been more than eight years old.

Though I had never seen her face before, I knew her name.

Ania Brontë.
The beloved daughter of the Brontë patriarch, the most beautiful eight-year-old girl in the empire.”

The child slowly turned their head to look at me.

– Yes, Edward?

Stars reflected in the girl’s large pupils.
I almost lost my breath for a moment, but nothing of the sort happened.

The Edward in the dream began to speak on his own accord.

– …

But I couldn’t hear anything.
Though my lips moved, it was as if I were mute.

– Still.

Still.
What did that mean?
I didn’t know.

– …
– Okay.

Young Ania smiled brightly.
It was a pure, innocent smile without a trace of guile.

– …
– Someday, for sure.
– …

It was a conversation without context.
But there was one thing I could deduce from it.

Two years prior, on the day of the Brontë estate’s harvest festival, Ania had said something to me.
A question about remembering a promise.

Indeed, the words spoken by 10-year-old Edward were related to that promise.

What promise could it be?
I couldn’t know.

– Wow! Shooting stars!

Ania exclaimed in wonder, and Edward’s gaze rose high into the sky.
Like thin brushes across the star-studded sky, shooting stars began to fall.

How long had I been lost in that beautiful sight?
When I returned to my senses, I was in my room again.

Like the time when I embraced the falling Ania.

***

“My Lord!”

As I opened my eyes, Lorendel was fussing.

Outside the window, the sun was setting beyond the mountain peaks,
Casting orange rays into the room as if witnessing the sunset on an island.

How many days had I been lying here?

“My Lord! Are you feeling any better?”

Ignoring her unnecessary jumping and loud voice, I asked.

“How many days has it been?”
“Um…? Uh… You… you’ve been lying down the whole day…”
“And how many days have I been doing that?”
“Seven.”

That was a relief.
I would have been furious if I had been knocked out any longer.

“What about Ania?”
“Miss Ania is having her meal.”
“I see.”

I promptly got up and headed towards the dining room.

Lorendel started following me in surprise.

“My Lord, you shouldn’t be walking yet!”
“I should.”
“The physician said you need rest.”
“I know my body best. And…”

There was a slightly irritating word, so I turned to Lorendel and said,

“Don’t call Ania ‘Miss’ anymore. She doesn’t like being called that.”
“Um…?”
“If I say don’t do it, then just don’t.”
“Yes.”

Slowly descending the stairs and passing through the corridor,
As I entered the dining room, I saw Ania.

Her head slowly turned, and her eyes widened.

“Edward!”

Ania jumped up and ran towards me.

I gladly opened my arms to her.
Her warm golden hair softly swayed against my chest.

Ania’s body trembled slightly.
She seemed worried.

“I’m sorry.”
“Is your body okay?”
“I’m fine. But more importantly…”

I opened my mouth but stopped mid-sentence.
I was about to ask about the conversation I had seen in the dream, but something else abruptly came to mind.

The memory of Ania sobbing because I couldn’t remember the promise.

If it was such a significant promise,
If it was a memory I shouldn’t forget,
Wouldn’t Ania feel uneasy if I asked about it?

If she found out I wasn’t Edward but someone else borrowing his body, wouldn’t she leave me?

“But more importantly…?”
“It’s nothing.”
“What is it?”

Ania smiled softly.
She gently wiped away the tears that had welled up in the corner of her eyes.

***

After finishing the meal and returning to my room, I picked up the phone and dialed a number.

After a short dial tone, a voice came through the receiver.

“Who is this?”
“It’s me.”
“Brother?”
“Yeah.”

Aria’s voice was still cheerful.
Considering the struggles she must be going through while staying at the Tower, it couldn’t be easy.

But suddenly, Aria’s voice became subdued.

“Brother… Are you okay these days?”
“Why are you asking?”
“Big sister Ania is missing. I saw it in a newspaper article recently.” (TN: It feels unnatural to me, but I can’t use unnie, so…)
“Oh, she’s in the Radner territory.”
“…What?”

Aria exclaimed in surprise.

“I have something to ask.”
“Are you going to remarry with her?”
“… I don’t know. Just answer my question for now.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you happen to know anyone who can use memory projection magic?”
“Memory projection?”
“Yeah.”

Aria paused for a moment, then said, “Hmmm…”

“As you know, Brother, using magic to project or manipulate memories is prohibited by imperial law.”
“I know.”
“If you already knew that, it must be for a very important reason.”
“Yeah.”
“… Alright. Let me check, and I’ll get back to you.”
“Okay. I’ll come to visit you soon.”
“Definitely!”
“Yeah.”

I sat down on my chair and rested my legs on the desk.

Then, I lightly slipped my hand into the inner pocket of my clothes.
There was nothing there.

“…I gave them to Lorendel.”

Even though I quit smoking for Ania, whenever my mind got this complicated, I always rummaged through the pocket where I used to keep cigarettes.

Since there were no cigarettes, I sighed and looked out the window.
Darkness had fallen unnoticed.

“Someday, for sure.”

While I was lying down, I thought about the dream I had.
What could the promise between Edward and Ania have been?

I didn’t know it now, but if I could project my memories…
But even if I did find out…

“I am not Edward.”

Ania’s beloved Edward is not me.
No… In the original story, she didn’t love Edward either, so perhaps what Ania loves isn’t Edward but me.

My head felt dizzy with confusion.

I believe in Ania.
I love her.
Because of love, I want to believe her words, even if they are lies.

But perhaps love and trust are different things.
Even if you love someone to death, you can’t trust each other completely.
There is no such form of love in the world.

In fact, the deeper the love, the more doubt there may be.
For beneath the surface of love lies hidden possessiveness.
Even if you try to ignore it, that’s the truth.

I want Ania to stay by my side forever, even knowing she might leave someday.

But I don’t want to doubt.
Because I want to believe in everything about her out of love.

If that’s the case, then I must know the truth.
Whatever that truth may be.

Even if Ania’s love for me is a fabricated lie made of smoke,
Even knowing that, I can still love her.
Even if she turns out to be the villainess who seduces men to their deaths, as in the original story, I will still be by her side.

But even then, a sense of guilt arose in my heart.

Even if I uncover the truth of their promise by seeing Edward’s memories,
It wouldn’t be my memory.

Edward and Ania.
My presence, an impurity, had intruded upon the promise between the two.

“I can’t deceive her forever….”

If I unveil the truth,
Then, Ania will eventually come to learn it.

That I am not Edward.
That another man lies beneath the mask of the man she loves.

Of course, whether Ania will believe is uncertain.
It’s something we can only know once we talk about it.

And with that thought, I found myself longing to see Ania.

We were sitting together moments ago, facing each other at dinner, yet I still missed her.

I wanted to hear her voice, touch her soft hair, and hold her in my arms.
Even if it meant deceiving the woman I love.

Still.

I hurriedly went to Ania’s room, driven by the urge to see her.
As I knocked on the door, Ania quickly opened it.

“Ania.”

Her face appeared before me.

Her cat-like, round eyes,
Her softly flowing hair,
Her strong sense of pride,
Yet, her tender heart inside,
The woman who dislikes being called ‘Miss,’
Who loves flowers and gardens,
Who is strong enough to shatter my world…

She looked unbearably vulnerable.
So, I gently embraced her.

“You won’t leave forever, will you?”

I asked, seeking reassurance.
Her hand, startled by the sudden embrace, lightly brushed against my back.

“I will stay.”

Forever.

Author’s Note
I don’t usually delve into internal stories in my original works, but since some readers seem anxious, I thought I’d briefly touch on it.

The trials ahead for Edward and Ania are far from over.
But it’s only by overcoming trials that love truly blossoms, right?

Translator’s Corner

I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Honestly, I cut out some parts of the Author’s note above as there were spoilers for the story they had planned. I think you can get the message from what is left and the tone of the story, so don’t hate me too much for leaving you in the dark.
-Ruminas

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