The timing of our encounter was a bit strange. Or maybe she was still afraid of me.
Liana couldn’t seem to look me in the eye.

Meanwhile, the shopkeeper glared down at me with a grim expression.

Thinking I was with Liana, he probably planned to extort money from me now.

I had money, but I didn’t want to hand it over.

The man released Liana and approached me. We made eye contact.

"Hey, you. Come over here. Is she your friend?"

"…"

As our eyes met, a flood of information rushed through my mind—a sensation I had grown quite accustomed to by now.

I could probably put him to sleep if I tried. Locking eyes with him, I began to hypnotize him.

In an instant, his fierce gaze turned hazy. Shortly after, he lost his balance and collapsed.

I whispered to the man as he fell.

"Sleep well."

With the disturbance gone, I could face Liana again.

This time, she didn’t run. Maybe she was too frightened to move.

One way or another, I finally had a moment alone with her. She was still trembling as she looked at me, though.

It seemed a conversation was in order.

Sleeping alone in an alley was common for me, but with two people, it felt different. The ground wasn’t the ideal place for a conversation, either.

So, I ended up finding us a place to stay.

I paid for the room. After the incident, I had stolen a portion of the criminals’ funds.

We entered the room, both soaked from the rain. We looked like drowned rats.

"You… can go first and wash up."

"Okay…"

Our conversation was awkward.

Though we were together again, it wasn’t like old times.

We could never go back to the way it was. Liana had seen too much, and I had done too much.

Liana went in to wash her soaked body first, and when I came out of the bathroom later, drying my long hair, I asked her a question. Even now, our eyes wouldn’t meet.

"Are you still afraid of me?"

Liana didn’t answer right away.

She avoided my gaze, looking down at the floor.

Finally, after a long silence, she spoke.

"…Thank you for saving me."

Our eyes met briefly before she looked away again.

"But…how could I not be afraid after what I saw?"

"…"

Her voice was damp, as though she were halfway to tears.

"I’m sorry… I didn’t want to say this. I didn’t want you to see me like this…"

Regardless of how it happened, I had saved Liana—twice, in fact. The incident that day was ultimately because I was trying to protect her.

If I hadn’t done what I did, it would have been Liana who died. She probably understood that, at least to some extent.

But.

"I’m sorry, I… I know it’s not your fault, but I just can’t help it…"

"…"

Knowing and fearing are two separate things.

My friend, who had shared the alley with me, had suddenly transformed into a monster that tore human flesh apart. She saw it all: the separation of bones, flesh, and organs.

It was a horrific sight, one not even seen in Dusty Lane, where dead bodies were common.

That memory had rooted itself deeply in her mind, one that wouldn’t easily fade. Even now, whenever she closed her eyes, the images of that day replayed vividly.

To her, I was both a friend and a nightmare.

"I understand."

With a bitter expression, I responded to the trauma I had become for her.

Though I wasn’t crying, I must have looked terribly sad.

To be feared and hated by the person you trust most—it’s a cruel fate.

Though I didn’t show it outwardly, I too felt as if I were teetering on the edge.

I suppressed the rising emotions, fearing that if I let them out, I would break down completely. So, I pretended to be a doll, devoid of emotion.

In that moment, we were both suffering from wounds that were festering for different reasons.

Even if we shared a room like before, the wounds would not heal.

It was that kind of night.

"If I were you, I’d be afraid too."

This time, I avoided her gaze.

I had searched for her so desperately, yet now that we were face to face, I found myself at a loss for words.

I realized just how difficult it would be to mend this broken relationship.

"…You can have this room, Liana. It’s probably uncomfortable for you, so I’ll leave."

"Huh? What?"

Even though I had paid for the room, I decided not to stay.

I feared that if I lingered any longer, I wouldn’t be able to contain my emotions.

"And you should keep this money, Liana. I don’t think I’ll need it."

I took a pouch of gold coins from my pocket and placed it on the bed.

Then, I bit my lip and turned away—not just my head but my entire body—so she couldn’t see my face.

I was on the verge of breaking down.

If I were to fall apart, I wanted to do so quietly, where no one could see me.

I turned to leave.

"Wait! Iria!"

I heard her call out, but I didn’t listen.

I didn’t stop walking.

Once I passed through that door, we’d never meet again. I had made up my mind to end my life.

Iria was a monster.

The first time I killed a human, I thought it was an accident, but I killed another human afterward.

The reason? Something as trivial as hunger. I killed for the sake of a single meal. That’s what kind of creature I was.

To continue living, I had to kill humans.

But I didn’t want to kill. I didn’t want to be a monster.

If someone feared me, then it was right for me to disappear.

That’s what I believed.

My short life as a monster had been anything but pleasant. Before this body could hurt more humans, I wanted to end it.

On a rainy day, I walked down the street, crying harder than I ever had before.

• Don’t touch me!
• How could I not be afraid after what I saw?

 

I was a creature that shouldn’t exist in this world.

Just by existing, I could become a future calamity.

Killing humans regularly to survive—how was that different from being a monster?

Though I feared death, I feared even more the prospect of living with this treatment.

Humans are social creatures that can’t live alone. I had been human until recently, and so I, too, couldn’t live alone.

That’s why I feared loneliness. I feared myself.

I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore.

So I walked.

Each step brought me closer to death.

I had decided to die.

But how to go about it?

Hiding from Liana, I hurt myself in places where no one could see.

I tried countless ways.

I stabbed my heart with a sword, but I didn’t die. I spent a day in flames, but my body grew resistant to fire.

Hanging myself wasn’t painful, and slitting my wrists healed almost immediately.

One day, I threw myself into a deep river. I lost consciousness as I sank beneath the water, but when I came to, I was back on land.

When faced with danger, it felt as if something else took control.

So, I concluded that conventional means couldn’t kill me. Four days passed with repeated suicide attempts.

I had tried almost every method.

My body and mind were scarred, worn down.

Even regenerating had become difficult. Lying in the alley, I closed my eyes.

"…"

There was one method I hadn’t yet tried.

Living beings need to eat to survive. Without sustenance, even I would eventually perish.

Though I was a monster, I was still a living being, bound by this cycle.

Once I realized that, I decided not to move from that spot.

I curled up, waiting for death to come.

I didn’t know how much time had passed. The hunger was excruciating and agonizing.

Burning in flames would have been preferable. I fought the rising urge with all my might.

My mouth went dry, and my body weakened.

It had been about a week since I last fed.

Under normal circumstances, I could retain my sanity for a week, but not now.

After endless attempts to end my life, my body was at its limit.

I was like a broken doll.

My red eyes had dulled, and drool trickled from my mouth.

In my unstable state, I began to lose my mind. My senses dulled, and my consciousness faded.

It felt as if my body belonged to someone else.

My limbs moved, despite my lack of will.

How much longer would I endure before death came?

Time seemed to crawl by, but I felt as if I had endured for an eternity.

Even if I survived, I couldn’t be sure I would truly die.

Time felt unbearably dense.

I questioned why I had to go through this. I was merely an unfortunate soul who had fallen into an unfamiliar world.

It was simply bad luck that I had possessed this kind of body.

If there is a hell, it must be this place. I had a tough body that resisted swords and magic, but I had no immunity to hunger.

It was agonizing. How long would this torturous wait for eternal rest continue? The path to peace was unbearably painful and long.

And then.

"Iria! Why do you look like this?!"

Liana appeared before me.

Liana looked down at me, shocked at my appearance. My body was worn and ragged from my constant attempts to end my life. I could barely lift my head to look at her.

"Liana… you…"

I tried to speak, but my voice barely came out, weak and fragile.

"Are you… trying to die?" she asked, her eyes filling with a mixture of disbelief and horror.

I couldn’t even nod. I just stayed there, looking up at her helplessly.

"Why, Iria? Why would you do this to yourself?" She kneeled beside me, grasping my shoulders. Her touch felt like a distant memory, comforting yet painful.

"Because… I’m a monster," I replied with a shuddering breath.

"You’re not a monster! I mean…" She faltered, her words stumbling over each other.

"Liana, I’ve… I’ve killed people. I can’t stop myself. I’m dangerous. I can’t be around anyone anymore," I said, feeling tears prick my eyes.

"You think that makes you a monster?" she asked, anger seeping into her voice.

"Yes! I’ve hurt people… I’ve even hurt you!" I cried out, my voice breaking.

Liana stared at me, her expression torn between anger and sadness. She bit her lip, as if struggling to find the right words.

"You saved me," she finally whispered, her voice trembling. "You saved me, Iria. Twice."

I looked at her, my own pain reflected in her eyes.

"Why did you come back, Liana?" I asked.

She looked away, her gaze falling on the ground. "I… I thought you needed me."

I let out a hollow laugh, the sound escaping me like a wisp of smoke. "I’m not sure anyone needs me."

"Iria," she said, her voice firm, "don’t you dare say that. You may think you’re a monster, but to me… you’re still my friend."

Her words cut through me like a blade, a reminder of what I had once been.

"I… I don’t deserve your kindness," I whispered, the weight of my guilt pressing down on me.

"Maybe not," she replied, her tone softening, "but you have it anyway."

For the first time in a long time, I felt a flicker of warmth. It was fragile, delicate, and I feared it would shatter if I tried to grasp it.

"Liana…" I whispered.

She looked at me, her eyes filled with unshed tears.

"Come back with me, Iria," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

I hesitated, the fear of hurting her again clawing at my insides. But as I looked into her eyes, I knew that perhaps… just perhaps, I wasn’t as alone as I had thought.

"Liana… I…" My voice trailed off as I struggled to find the words.

She smiled, a small, fragile thing, and held out her hand.

For a moment, I hesitated, the weight of my actions bearing down on me. But as I looked at her outstretched hand, I realized that maybe—just maybe—I could find a way to live with what I had become.

Taking a deep breath, I reached out and took her hand, feeling the warmth of her skin against mine.

It wasn’t much, but it was enough.

We stood there, hand in hand, two lost souls finding solace in each other.

And for the first time in what felt like forever, I dared to hope.