Mom whispered as if sighing.

“I never really thought about having and raising a child… I feel like such a lacking mother. I’m sorry.”

Mom will do better. I’ll strive to be a good mother.

Those words would have been proof that she was a good mother.

If I were to answer now, I might say that Mom did just fine. But back then, I just nodded my head vaguely.

Because <good> was such a relative and imperfect standard to judge by.

And so, we moved again.

This time, we moved to a quiet place, yet a village with quite a few children of similar age.

Perhaps at this time, Mom seriously considered the importance of peer relationships for a child’s emotional development.

The scenery was beautiful, there were many kids around the same age, and the neighbors were kind, as life wasn’t too harsh here.

It was a reasonably good and nice village.

Eciel quickly integrated into this village and made many friends.

As always, the problem was me.

Regrettably, until then, I didn’t realize I was the problem. Eciel and Mom also believed I wasn’t causing any problems.

If only one of them had told me outright that I was the problem, I might have realized it sooner.

… but if I was the problem, what was Nathan?

 

—

 

In the new village we moved to, there was a very large mansion.

The owner’s family only stayed at the mansion for a few months out of the year, opening it up for kids of similar age to freely come and go during that time for their son.

It might have been because he wanted his son to play to his heart’s content with his peers.

We were invited for the same reason, although we had just moved in.

Eciel wanted to play with the kids, and I wanted to see the mansion’s  library.

We decided to go to the mansion for trivial and everyday reasons.

The first month was peaceful.

Eciel and I walked to the mansion together about three times a week.

Although I had no friends, Eciel had many, so when we left from the farthest point from the mansion, Eciel’s friends all came running out.

“Hi!”

“Hi! What are we playing today?”

“I hope the snacks are chocolate.”

“I like fruits. Mom says to eat lots of fruits.”

I drifted awkwardly amidst their excitement, anticipation, and intimacy.

Their hesitant looks still remain vivid. Even adults felt uncomfortable with me, would there be any differences for children?

But outwardly, we walked to the mansion like a very harmonious group.

If the owners had seen us, we would have gone to greet them… luckily, they did not.

Instead, the butler greeted us.

He allowed us access to the  library, playroom, and certain areas of the garden every day.

After learning when the young master would arrive and where to come for lunch, we were free.

While the kids ran off to the playroom and garden, I always walked alone to the  library to pick up a book.

… of course, Eciel tried to drag me along a few times.

“Claire, come with me.”

“Sorry. I don’t want to.”

I just kept refusing, and Eciel’s friends gradually started to avoid me.

After that peaceful month…

Nathan entered my quiet and closed-off world.

Arrogant and convinced that the world revolved around him. Somewhere between clever and wicked.

The kids initially called Nathan <Young Master> as the butler taught them.

And Nathan only allowed his name to be used by the kids he wanted to be close to.

“Call me Nathan.”

Being able to call him by name. A relationship established by the <Young Master> of this large mansion as <friendship>.

That in itself became an intangible power dynamic.

Once you became Nathan’s <friend>, you could receive small gifts from him or hear bits of gossip.

The things that felt most valuable at that age.

While I wandered between history and mythology in the library during that month, Nathan suppressed the other kids’ spirits and chose the ones he wanted to befriend.

And Eciel…

Though not exactly clear, it seemed like she realized I didn’t fit in there.

At first, she would invite me to join, but as the atmosphere stiffened, she began to push me away into the library and hid me from Nathan’s sight.

But no matter how hard Eciel tried, this was Nathan’s territory.

So, I couldn’t avoid that kid from the beginning.

Perhaps it was surprising that I hadn’t encountered him for a month.

Most were friendly to Eciel, so they kept quiet, and the rest didn’t say anything out of politeness toward me.

“Hi, are you Claire?”

Anyway, Nathan eventually found me.

In the empty air, tiny specks of dust floated like wisps of a dream, under the harsh midday sunlight pouring down.

There was a black-haired girl sitting quietly by the window with a cushion, engrossed in a thick history book.

Aware that people were approaching, she wasn’t particularly interested in engaging. It was only when her name was called that she glanced up.

The boy, upon seeing my face, widened his eyes. So did the other children line up behind him.

Except for one—Eciel—who wore an uneasy expression.

Seeing that expression reminded me of my mother’s advice to greet people once my name was called.

“Hello. Who are you?”

I returned the greeting absentmindedly.

The boy’s face, still adorned with shock, suddenly heated up. His cheeks blushed.

His slightly aggressive tone was ridiculous.

“Don’t you know who I am?”

“No one told me, so how would I know?”

“… I’m Nathan. You can call me Nathan.”

I see.

Recalling the basic conversational template taught by Mom and Eciel, I responded.

“Nathan, nice to meet you.”

But what next? Shouldn’t we part ways if there was no business to attend to? Why was he just standing there without saying anything?

I stared blankly at Nathan, and he stared back at me.

Silence lingered for a while.

Unable to bear it any longer, Nathan spoke.

“Do you have something to say to me?”

I often had nothing to say even to Eciel, whom I see every day. How could I have anything to say to someone I just met today?

As I tilted my head in confusion, it suddenly occurred to me that Nathan was the young master of this house.

“Oh, right. You’re the son of this house. Thanks for the invitation. Is that how I should say it?”

Nathan’s face contorted.

That puzzled look. It was the face most people made after conversing with me for more than ten seconds.

Familiar.

Eciel, who was at a loss, hastily interjected.

“Nathan, Claire isn’t good at talking to strangers. Books are easier for Claire than people.”

I nodded.

It wasn’t so much about being bad with strangers as it was about being unable to converse with almost anyone. But it was true that books were easier than people.

Just as I was about to ask if Nathan could send me back the history book about the two emperors, Nathan chuckled and grabbed my wrist.

“If you can’t talk to strangers, then we should get to know each other.”

Eciel looked almost frightened. As the only one likely to predict my response in this situation.

I shook my arm free from his grip and replied curtly.

“I don’t want to.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to be friends with you.”

My childhood traits were no different from Dad’s back then.

I didn’t care to talk politely, was difficult to interact with others, and didn’t care about them either.

The only difference between Dad and me was that he had the luxury and environment to live with such a personality. I did not.

That was the only difference between Dad and me.

Sometimes I wondered.

‘Because I find it difficult to talk to people, it’s hard for me to make friends. And grabbing my wrist like that made me uncomfortable.’

How would things have turned out if I had said that then?

But even if I had said that Nathan probably wouldn’t have accepted it. And I couldn’t be more honest and straightforward than that.

So, perhaps, everything that happened afterwards… was inevitable.

Self-justification is said to be a basic defense mechanism for all humans.

Taking that saying slightly exaggeratedly, Nathan was the one who made me human.

I stuffed everything that happened afterwards into that huge loophole called self-justification.

… anyway, I clearly remembered what happened after that sentence.

The children’s expressions stiffened awkwardly like dolls. I placed the book back on my knees and walked out of the study.

At that moment, I had no common sense, but I did have shame.

I knew it was absurd to continue reading books in the study of a child who I had just rejected friendship with.

Then Eciel followed from behind.

“Claire! Come with me, Claire!”

No matter how many times I thought about it, that was truly remarkable.

While all the village children sided with Nathan… Eciel chose her unconventional and strange twin.

Even now, I didn’t fully understand the significance, but I had a vague sense of it at the time.

I paused for a moment and looked at Eciel.

Eciel, who had hurried over, grasped my hand tightly and panted heavily.

Waiting for her to calm down a bit, I asked slowly.

“Why did you follow me?”

“Why wouldn’t I? Why would you say that, Claire!”

“You like those kids, don’t you?”

Eciel grimaced slightly and eventually smiled.

“I do, but even if I add up all the feelings for them, I like you more. We’re twins, after all.”

I tilted my head slightly.

Wasn’t <like> a very vague feeling?